Monday, 13 June 2016

A distraction

So here I am awake at an hour I would not normally see, I can't sleep, a million thoughts running through my mind, the same thoughts that have kept me awake at unearthly hours for the past week.  Thoughts that I am constantly trying not to focus on - when I simplify it, I know it is just the irrational part of the mind trying with all its power to bring the rational part down. Today is different though, 11 hours from now I have a Doctors appointment to discuss further what is actually happening with my achillies, get some clear cut answers and make a plan going forward. I wont lie I'm pretty terrified.

All I've got at the moment is hope ( O, i'm cringing at my self) but it has in all seriousness got me through the last week relatively unscathed, enabling me to attend my friends birthday, smile and laugh with friends, and in general just be social - when all I really wanted to do was hide away. I have always believed that the mind is our most powerful tool, we need to use it to our advantage, and that is what I have done all week. As each day passes I get more competitive with myself - when the odds are against you, all I want to do is see how I can beat them and set new goals. I'm hoping after tonight - I get the go ahead to begin cross training, and if I do - the challenge is on.

There is no point in worrying
 about the uncontrollable.

A friend of mine gave me simple but great advice that I want to pass on to anyone else that may be able to use it, as it has been crucial in getting through the last 8 days-  "there is no point in worrying about the uncontrollable" and it is only today that I now know exactly what they meant. Whatever the outcome is later, I can not change it, it is what it is. Worrying about it will only make me mentally and physically tired, and set me back on my recovery. This doesn't mean i'm giving in or won't fight as hard but I will try not to waste any more negative energy thinking about it. Whenever my mind starts to drift or overthink, I distract myself with something...anything. Baking, films, core (yup more) playing with my dog, it is the result of this blog post, and it genuinely helps. Am I nervous? Absolutely - that is normal, but going over and over the appointment in my head will not help.

I caught up on the Triathlon this morning (cried the whole way through the montage ...standard), and something really stood out for me during the start in reference to the Jodie Stimpson interview: "the highs are so high and the lows are so low". Right now I am in a low, and thats fine, that is part and parcel of any sport, but that doesn't mean I won't get another high. I'm fighting, staying focused on that next high, and I know it will come. The triathlon also showed how much our families go through this journey with us too, watching Non Stanfords Grandparents cheer her on the whole way through her race was emotional. Proudness comes in a variety of ways, from winning to just being courageous. Non showed immense strength and courage to fight her way through, and I'm sure her Grandparents were just as proud regardless of the outcome, along with all the supportive families out there.  So my next high - in whatever form it takes will be in honour of how outrageously supportive my parents have been throughout not only this injury but every day, month and year before it, it wasn't just my dream but theres too, and as athletes we sometimes forget that. Together there will be another dream to fight for... I already have a couple lined up.

I'm fighting, 
staying focused on that next high, 
and I know it will come.

Craving that start line feeling


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